Recent days have been interesting, emotional, challenging. 

When I think about it, though, I could say the same for the majority of days for the past two years. I am praying that this is just a season, those awkward late-20s years when you haven't found your place in the world. Families change, friends move, friends marry, YOU move, relationships are begun and die, you don't know what to say when people ask you "what you do." Who are you? I pray that this is not just who I am, a permanently sad confused girl. I want to be a joyful loving woman, content and confident. I almost feel guilty for using up spiritual resources instead of being a solid person who can go out and save the world. I want to help others bear their burdens, not be the burden. For everything there is a time and a season, I suppose. 

Today is a particular personal anniversary (rather, month-aversary) for me. I'm trying not to think about it and the pain of it, but to see it as simply a marker of time passing. It feels like just yesterday in many ways. It feels like a lot has happened, and yet it feels like not a lot has changed. I have been learning and trying, however, in recent months to try to let go of expectations and timelines. I put a lot of pressure on myself thinking I ought to be at a certain place by now, or that people will judge me for being "slow." Well, we all are on a journey, and we all go at our own pace. 

Yesterday I also found out a friend got some bad news (she'll be ok, but it sucks). I also came to realize that someone I care about has deliberately distanced themselves from me, and it was hurtful. All of this and then looking at the state of the world, wondering if there's any hope for us here in this life, well it's just a bit rough.  

I've learned through my recent--ok, and lifelong--struggles, and from talking with my dear ones who are also struggling with life challenges that life is not what we want or expect. The point of our lives here is not to fulfill our dream. To have the career, family, kids, success, peaceful home life, continual comfort, etc, etc, etc. Most of the time we have no real say in it. You can call it luck, you can call it God's will, or you can call it the consequences of our fallen and broken nature. I guess it's really the combination of God's perfect will for us and the fallen world. He's constantly calling us to wholeness and perfection, but unless the entire world repents, life's not gonna be easy peasy. I only pray that I can come to peace with whatever lot I'm given in life, to fully give it to God, and to be worthy of salvation. Guys, it is SO HARD to give up what I want. So hard. 

I can almost laugh at how life is so different than I expected...both for myself and for others. I'm turning 27 in a couple weeks. I am definitely not where I'd imagined I'd be, say, 8 years ago! Do you ever wonder about those questions, "where do you see yourself 5 years from now?" I suppose it is an important question to ask oneself, to have a plan, a direction to head in. At the same time, we have absolutely no clue what's really going to happen. If you can go 5 years without any major life surprises?  Well, that's just impressive. Still, it is important, at least for me right now, to set some general goals, or else I'll just float aimlessly through life. I need to get a new job. I can't stay here. It's bad for my wallet, it's bad for my soul. It's bad for my being an adult! Also, being a dreamer, I tend to dream up ideal situations, but never take steps to realize them. I've been hearing about "101 in 1001." I looked it up and found a site where you can set goals and keep them on a list. There are a few you can do, but the aforementioned is 101 things to accomplish in 1001 days, over 2 years. The idea is that it's not an open-ended bucket list which may never get done, but that it's long enough to do big things like plan a trip, etc. So, I'm going to make one! I'm going to make 101 goals that are accomplishable. Something like make an art project worthy of display (Sketch-journaling doesn't count). Things I mightn't get around to on my own. However, there are life goals that one cannot guarantee, which I can place on a "someday" list. Things I can't enforce, perhaps, but hope to do. Let's hope that I can be motivated to continue on in a good, proactive direction, whilst being open and receptive to God's will for me. Lord have mercy!

Gratuitous Update

It's funny how much life has happened since my last post. I spoke of being ready to meet life head on and pursue dreams and yadda yadda. Well, things are getting started and things are moving, although I'm still clueless about where it's headed, and how it'll get there. I am learning a lot about being in the present and trusting God to guide me. Nearing the end of my last semester of school, I was having a bit of an existential crisis, as I have done at almost every start and end of a school year. But approaching graduation, I was unsure of what my next course of action would be. Grad school? Fancy Job? Moving away? Staying? I finally concluded that in trying to move on to the next big thing--like moving abroad for grad school--was, in my case, me trying to be a step ahead of the game, trying to take control of the situation. I was afraid of what life would be like if I didn't go. (I won't list them out for you) But you know what? If I did go, I wouldn't have any more control on what happened there than here. I would just be putting things off and having a false sense of control. So, I made the decision to stay put and to see what God put in my path. I wanted to choose to give Him space to work in my life.

So, I got full time status at my current job, which means I get health insurance! Yay! I've been taking advantage of that while I'm able. The current plan is to use the insurance to get my gallbladder removed, and then once that is all settled, I can move on to my dream job. Or, you know, a job that is at least slightly better paying and much more fulfilling. I have an appointment tomorrow, actually, with the general surgeon to discuss my situation. So!

The camp I worked at was a pretty traumatic experience, emotionally, but I did learn a lot technically, and I really really learned that I cannot control anything. And when things are out of your hands, you can only turn to God, Who will give you the grace to endure, who will give you what you need to scrape by, even if it's only the bare minimum. Believe me, you are more thankful than ever for that bare minimum, and for the passing of time. The minutes crawled by so slowly during that experience, but now it is over, and I am so thankful to have just made it through. Longest two weeks of my life. But again, I learned to lean on God, and I was more thankful than ever for the support I received from my loved ones, and was grateful for all the blessings of home--a community that loves me and believes in me.

The other thing God put in my life after this decision to be open to His plan was a young man. We dated this summer, and now we're not dating. It is still too soon to see how the whole thing fits into God's plan and will for me (which is frustrating and difficult). I learned and continue to learn a lot from the experience. I know I'll never be the same in, a lot of ways. I'm confused about a lot, but I'm also trying really hard to remember what I'm learning about trusting God. I cannot control this situation, as much as I want what I want, and I must believe that God only has the best in mind for both of us, and He can guide, direct, heal, and cause growth where I would be powerless. God is merciful, and He provides for us. I am also learning to trust in His goodness. And wouldn't you know it? Today's Scripture reading was Luke 11:9-13:

"The Lord said to his disciples, "Ask, and it will be given you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened. What father among you, if his son asks for a fish, will instead of a fish give him a serpent; or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will the heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!"

That past few days I've been praying about something specific, and my prayers were answered in a very particular and unexpected way. Of course, I have no idea what it means, except that I do know that God is listening, and that what happened did not happen for no reason. I have a very "boxed" way of looking at things right now, and I think sometimes God reminds us that He tends to think outside of the box.

It will be interesting to see what happens in my life in the next several months. I know it won't be easy (is it ever?), but I also know that God provides. I have so many people in my life that I am eternally grateful for. At every point on this bumpy road there has a been a person there for me with open ears and open hearts and arms. Random people hearing me out and offering prayers for me. I am so thankful that in my weaknesses, God shows His Glory.

Glory to God in all things! Lord have mercy!

Welcome to LIFE!

Ok, well, that's a little bit dramatic, but also a little bit approps. appropriate.
Guys, I graduated from COLLEGE. From UNIVERSITY. Oh yeah, woot! So what if I'm 26 and celebrating my B.A. It sometimes feels like I'm too old to be like "Woohoo!!! Graduation!!!" because I guess even I associate that with high schoolers and 21 year olds. But you know what? It's kinda a big deal. And because with a B.A. I am pretty B.A, if ya know what I mean!

Since the actual end of school, I have been working more and keeping busy with other life things. I've been thinking "well, I gotta do the whole look for a 'real' job thing now." This thought seems to be in a line of thought that sees Job as the substitute for School. As in, that's what I do, how I organize my time, that's how I will label myself, that'll be the thing I'm doing when I'm not doing my own stuff...aka dishes and church.

But, I'm beginning to think bigger than that, and that's really exciting. Now, don't get me wrong, I am going to still be looking for full time employment, maybe even doing something worthwhile. But I've been inspired, and well, I'll just break it down for you.

Everyone is always telling us, "follow your dreams! You can do whatever you put your mind to! Your imagination is the limit!" And I'm always like, "Yeah, ok, Disney. Calm down." But something has clicked inside me recently, causing me to take these ideas more to heart. I mean, I know I can't just believe hard enough! and become a princess...who can fly...and understand animals... But! I can pursue things that I want to do. I don't have to let myself or being "realistic" put limitations on myself.

For example, I would love to continue "filmmaking"or "visual storytelling," but it also freaks me out. I was offered a gig, the exact type of thing I'd love to do, and I even considered making excuses! "It'll be difficult to get off work." It won't. "I won't have the right equipment!" Well, I'll get it. "I'm not qualified." Well, I'm pretty dern close, and it's gonna be the perfect situation in which to learn and rise to the occasion. So, I didn't let myself make those excuses, although it would've been safe. It would've been easy. But I pushed myself just beyond the border of my squishy comfort zone and Bam! I took it--Camp videographer, here I come!

I hate to admit it, but another thing that has been an encouragement in dream-following has been the internet! I know, I know, I am not a big fan of technology myself. But, the internet connects people and makes certain resources more widely available. When I am with certain people and we are being hilarious (yes, of course) we say, "if only people could see this," or, "we're like a sitcom," or, "if only we had a reality show!" and the like. Of course, I bet everyone thinks they're funny, but we for real are, haha. And you know what? There's this site called YouTube where one CAN share videos of themselves with the world! And sometimes they're funny. And sometimes people aren't as cool as they think they are. Well, we shall see, shan't we.

Another internet-ism is Kickstarter, a website on which people can raise money for creative projects... such as documentaries and whatnot. You share your creativity, raise awareness, raise funds, and get to pursue a project you may have never had the chance to if you were just saving on your own here and there over the years.

I'm actually quite excited because my sister and I have big plans--BIG plans--and for the first time ever I'm not thinking "Yeah, that sounds nice, but...notgonnahappen."

Em. I'm like excited for real. Like Woah.

So, that's all I'm going to say about it for now.
I started off welcoming myself to life, but now, I should be saying,

"Watch out world! Here we come!"

Monday, Monday, so good to me

Today is my first day of work coming from my new home. I was so proud to be leaving on time, lunch packed, sweater grabbed, and bookbag stuffed with things for the day, the week. Half way through my 1:15 commute my stomach began to grumble, and I felt for my lunch bag where I hoped to rummage out my granola bar--breakfast. No... no... no! I left my lunch bag on the couch at home! In it was an entire package of lunch meat, an entire package of sliced muenster cheese, and an entire bottle of milk. I will be working in the office 4 days this week, and I thought I could simply buy that loaf of bread I needed in order to make lunches, and use the milk for cereal breakfasts. But now, almost a workweek's worth of poor-man's meals is done for. There is no way that food will be salvageable 12 hours later. To make matters worse, I'm broke this week. I was planning to spend only a few measly dollars on bread to get me through the week, and the loss of my sandwich fixins puts me back a bit. I'll have to get creative...er.

Last week I took my car in for a "check engine" light problem, which ended up costing me my savings account. I had been saving for a video camera (some of that money was specifically gifted to me for such), for a haircut, for traveling to see my friends, and maybe even for Disneyland! I had to borrow money to last me through payday, which won't be as big as it could've been if I hadn't gotten sick twice last week.

For being so classically down on my luck, however, I am quite lucky. God graced me with endurance, a good attitude, and headache-lessness on Saturday, our moving day. Our new home is coming together and feeling oh-so-homey. I have friends and family who can support me, emotionally and even financially when I need it. And, I have a jar of peanut butter in my work fridge, and a plastic spoon I found in my glove compartment. I think I'm gonna be allll right.

"I Am, and there is no other. I have not spoken in secret, nor in a dark place of the earth.

I did not say to the seed of Jacob, 'Seek Me in vain.'

 I Am, I am the Lord who speaks righteousness and declares the truth. Assemble yourselves and come. Take counsel together, you who are saved from among the nations."
Isaiah 45:18-20

It's been a while! Happy new year, happy St. Valentine's Day, happy birthday to me, happy St. Patrick's Day, and blessed Lent!

I've had a lot going on in my soul during recent times, and have wondered about sharing my journey. On March 10th, I attended a workshop about "writing your way through Lent," or something of the sort, and one fellow attendee asked me to share what I wrote with her. So, since I've already typed it up, let's begin with this early-Lent version of my struggle.


Prompt:

Where am I? How did I get here? Where is it that I hope to go? How might I begin?

~~~

It’s my birthday eve, almost two weeks into Great Lent. I find myself in a new position within familiar territory. I grew up in the Church. I’ve always held the Faith. And though I cling to it tightly, new questions arise, new doubts are provoked, and (admittedly familiar) fears rear their heads.

I understand and can explain—what are my questions, and where they came from; I can even tell myself the “right answers.” And yet, “knowing” or “feeling” are not always believing. I’ve learned about the nous, our faculty to understand and receive. If feels like a muscle I don’t know how to flex, like looking in the mirror and trying to raise my eyebrow. I can’t make it waggle. I can’t know how to know God.

This is my struggle. I know the reward on the other side of it is huge. I know that once I know God on a deeper level, a more real level, I will find joy, peace, and an understanding that surpasses understanding. But how do I get there? I imagine the goal is attainable—I do believe it.

My weak faith is both my burden and my only mode of getting to my goal.

So, I pray. I need grace. I need wisdom, discernment, strength, and guidance. I pray for the saints to lead me to Christ, as they know the way, and have walked it. I pray to St. Thomas, a long-time favorite of mine, known by most for his moment of doubt. But God did not abandon him to his doubt. He did not say to him, “Poor Thomas, you should have known,” but instead says, “Come! Touch My side.” Then He says, “You have seen and believed, but blessed are those who have not seen, and yet believe.”

Lord, do not abandon me to my doubts and weakness. Teach me how to draw near to You. Present Yourself to me as You did to Thomas, out of love and compassion.

I seek God. I want to know Him. I want to have faith. That I may find it, I must make the first step—a leap of faith.

Christine M. Gilbert

March 10, 2012

I'm sure I won't finish this in 5 minutes.
I cut my hair. It's short! I even cut it a second time. It's shorter! Not for the purpose of making it shorter, but it needed a trim because it was beginning to mullet, so my roommate ship-shaped it up for me. Now I feel pretty Starbuck-ian, which sometimes is cool. It's weird sometimes--it's so different! But also, it's different! and that's cool. Short hair is so much more purposeful than long hair. I mean, I still put 0 time into my hair like I used to, but...
Anyways!
It's rainy and cool and beautiful today, and I've been listening to music I like and looking at flannel and sweaters and campgrounds and I just want that warm fuzzy beautifulness! I want to hang out with my friends who aren't here or near. I want to walk around a drizzly city. By a body of water. With Christmas lights!
SIGH