Today is the beginning of our salvation, and the manifestation of the mystery from the ages. For the Son of God becometh the Son of the Virgin, and Gabriel proclaimeth grace. Therefore with him let us shout out to the Theotokos: Hail thou who art full of grace! The Lord is with thee.
It's nearing the end of March--the "out-like-a-lamb" part? Not quite--and a lot has been going on. A LOT, a lot. Today is the Feast of the Annunciation! It is spring, and technically I'm on spring break. All that means to me, though, is two random days off, on which I can feel slightly less guilty about not doing my homework. I turned 25 a couple weeks ago, and we found out we have to move from our St. Ruth's Place. Oh, and it's Lent.
It seems it always takes me a couple weeks to really go strong with Lent. It's been especially challenging this year because of all that's been happening, and because I started my "lenten struggles" early. But now I find myself not-quite mid-Lent and the fogginess is finally starting to lift that I may begin taking action to work on the issues that have come up in recent months (Or I suppose I should say, have manifested themselves in the recent months). I've been learning a lot about God's will, God's love, fears, doubts, hope, trust, free will, and grace. I am trying, now, to move from the pain of the brokenness to the hope in the healing. I am trying to be conscious and make efforts to move forward, to address the issues, and find Godly, healthy ways to change my thinking. You know, Lent is so much more than giving up food. That is so easy, if only that's all it took. (I don't even do well at food-fasting, because I still am consumed with thoughts about food, trying to make the best possible of what I'm "allowed" to eat. So, yes, that's another thing I'm trying to work on.) Beyond food, though, this season allows us to tear away from ourselves those other things in our lives that have been holding us back--confusing us, blinding us, and hindering us.
And this year, more than ever for me, this is scary. I never realized how much, how hard I've clung onto certain things out of desperation, that have been keeping me from trusting fully in God and from knowing Him more deeply. I have to be honest and tell God that I am scared to let go. But why should I doubt that He'll catch me? Oh, I want to throw myself into His arms, to rest my head on Christ's chest and just let Him love me. I'm sure He'd love this too! Why (besides the fact that the presence of the Almighty God is a little bit daunting!) is it so complicated, this simple leap of faith? Because I have to leave the place I'm standing, the foothold that I have convinced myself is stable and good, although I've never really been certain, although it's only ever been a tease. With God, I don't know what life looks like. Not that it matters, if I'm with Him. But right now, I worry, and I'm clinging to burdens I could so easily lay at His feet. Silly me, silly little girl. I'm beginning to pry my fingers off that tight grip that holds my basket o' burdens I call wants and needs. I'm telling myself His grace is sufficient. I'm only now starting to believe it. I'm only now beginning to understand.
Oh, how little I know, how little I can conceive of. How greatly I desire Him, His Wisdom, His love, His mercy! And how far I keep from Him. Lord, help me in my weakness to come to You, to trust You. Lord have mercy!
