I've had a lot going on in my soul during recent times, and have wondered about sharing my journey. On March 10th, I attended a workshop about "writing your way through Lent," or something of the sort, and one fellow attendee asked me to share what I wrote with her. So, since I've already typed it up, let's begin with this early-Lent version of my struggle.
Prompt:
Where am I? How did I
get here? Where is it that I hope to go? How might I begin?
~~~
It’s
my birthday eve, almost two weeks into Great Lent. I find myself in a new
position within familiar territory. I grew up in the Church. I’ve always held
the Faith. And though I cling to it tightly, new questions arise, new doubts
are provoked, and (admittedly familiar) fears rear their heads.
I
understand and can explain—what are my questions, and where they came from; I
can even tell myself the “right answers.” And yet, “knowing” or “feeling” are
not always believing. I’ve learned about the nous, our faculty to
understand and receive. If feels like a muscle I don’t know how to flex, like
looking in the mirror and trying to raise my eyebrow. I can’t make it waggle. I
can’t know how to know God.
This
is my struggle. I know the reward on the other side of it is huge. I know that
once I know God on a deeper level, a
more real level, I will find joy, peace, and an understanding that surpasses
understanding. But how do I get there? I imagine the goal is attainable—I do
believe it.
My weak faith is both my burden and my only mode of getting to my
goal.
So,
I pray. I need grace. I need wisdom, discernment, strength, and
guidance. I pray for the saints to lead me to Christ, as they know the way, and
have walked it. I pray to St. Thomas, a long-time favorite of mine, known by
most for his moment of doubt. But God did not abandon him to his doubt. He did
not say to him, “Poor Thomas, you should have known,” but instead says, “Come!
Touch My side.” Then He says, “You have seen and believed, but blessed are
those who have not seen, and yet believe.”
Lord,
do not abandon me to my doubts and weakness. Teach me how to draw near to You.
Present Yourself to me as You did to Thomas, out of love and compassion.
I
seek God. I want to know Him. I want to have faith. That I may find it,
I must make the first step—a leap of faith.
Christine M. Gilbert
March 10, 2012
