Recent days have been interesting, emotional, challenging. 

When I think about it, though, I could say the same for the majority of days for the past two years. I am praying that this is just a season, those awkward late-20s years when you haven't found your place in the world. Families change, friends move, friends marry, YOU move, relationships are begun and die, you don't know what to say when people ask you "what you do." Who are you? I pray that this is not just who I am, a permanently sad confused girl. I want to be a joyful loving woman, content and confident. I almost feel guilty for using up spiritual resources instead of being a solid person who can go out and save the world. I want to help others bear their burdens, not be the burden. For everything there is a time and a season, I suppose. 

Today is a particular personal anniversary (rather, month-aversary) for me. I'm trying not to think about it and the pain of it, but to see it as simply a marker of time passing. It feels like just yesterday in many ways. It feels like a lot has happened, and yet it feels like not a lot has changed. I have been learning and trying, however, in recent months to try to let go of expectations and timelines. I put a lot of pressure on myself thinking I ought to be at a certain place by now, or that people will judge me for being "slow." Well, we all are on a journey, and we all go at our own pace. 

Yesterday I also found out a friend got some bad news (she'll be ok, but it sucks). I also came to realize that someone I care about has deliberately distanced themselves from me, and it was hurtful. All of this and then looking at the state of the world, wondering if there's any hope for us here in this life, well it's just a bit rough.  

I've learned through my recent--ok, and lifelong--struggles, and from talking with my dear ones who are also struggling with life challenges that life is not what we want or expect. The point of our lives here is not to fulfill our dream. To have the career, family, kids, success, peaceful home life, continual comfort, etc, etc, etc. Most of the time we have no real say in it. You can call it luck, you can call it God's will, or you can call it the consequences of our fallen and broken nature. I guess it's really the combination of God's perfect will for us and the fallen world. He's constantly calling us to wholeness and perfection, but unless the entire world repents, life's not gonna be easy peasy. I only pray that I can come to peace with whatever lot I'm given in life, to fully give it to God, and to be worthy of salvation. Guys, it is SO HARD to give up what I want. So hard. 

I can almost laugh at how life is so different than I expected...both for myself and for others. I'm turning 27 in a couple weeks. I am definitely not where I'd imagined I'd be, say, 8 years ago! Do you ever wonder about those questions, "where do you see yourself 5 years from now?" I suppose it is an important question to ask oneself, to have a plan, a direction to head in. At the same time, we have absolutely no clue what's really going to happen. If you can go 5 years without any major life surprises?  Well, that's just impressive. Still, it is important, at least for me right now, to set some general goals, or else I'll just float aimlessly through life. I need to get a new job. I can't stay here. It's bad for my wallet, it's bad for my soul. It's bad for my being an adult! Also, being a dreamer, I tend to dream up ideal situations, but never take steps to realize them. I've been hearing about "101 in 1001." I looked it up and found a site where you can set goals and keep them on a list. There are a few you can do, but the aforementioned is 101 things to accomplish in 1001 days, over 2 years. The idea is that it's not an open-ended bucket list which may never get done, but that it's long enough to do big things like plan a trip, etc. So, I'm going to make one! I'm going to make 101 goals that are accomplishable. Something like make an art project worthy of display (Sketch-journaling doesn't count). Things I mightn't get around to on my own. However, there are life goals that one cannot guarantee, which I can place on a "someday" list. Things I can't enforce, perhaps, but hope to do. Let's hope that I can be motivated to continue on in a good, proactive direction, whilst being open and receptive to God's will for me. Lord have mercy!