Joy!

I suddenly want to love and hug on manatees. True story. Don't they look like snuggly little guys? (Well, big guys, I suppose.)

Life is good. Sure, on Friday I saw a window sticker that said that very same thing, and I yelled at it, "No it's not!!" But, I think that was just me being a little scrooge due to certain circumstances. Now I'm in my right mind again and can be thankful for all the lovely things that I'm blessed with. Saturday I went tree shopping with Sophie, and we picked out the cutest little guy, a grand fir, and brought him home, decorated him, and made him our own. Once we had the tree, I really felt the warmth of the Christmas Spirit! That evening we had a

very nice Christmas party at St. Ruth House, full of lovely people, sweets, white elephant gifts, song, and cheer! I love a house full of people I love, singing together, and laughing together. Monday I spent the day with my beloved sister. We shopped till we dropped, and beyond! Twas a long day of shopping, but we were productive! It was really good to spend time together, especially CHRISTMAS time together! Then we came home to watch Home Alone with some other dear ones. What else could be so joyful as Home Alone with dear ones? Well, how about topping it off with converting the living room into the North Pole in order to wrap presents into the wee hours? Perfect!

Tuesday I got to catch up with some more beloved dear ones from afar. Chatting over coffee (or hot chocolate), going to our old stomping ground--Lazy Dog Cafe--for the hummus trio, and even squeezing some shopping in there was such a nice time. Then I had a company dinner at Lucille's! I love having Kel as a co-worker of mine. We get to bond over the craziness that is self-storage. Haha. It was really nice to be appreciated by an employer. Who'd a thunk, huh? I am thankful for that about my job, at least.

Also, I'M DONE WITH THE SEMESTER! It is such a relief to not have school hanging over me for the tail end of the Christmas season. I can finally relax and enjoy it! And, I got two A's! I don't know what I got in my other two classes yet, but I got my fingers crossed! Either way, Two A's is a good start!

Nothing blesses me like a life full of amazing, lovely people. Tis the season to surround myself and reconnect with my dearly beloved, and to thank God for them and for all the blessings in my life.

May God bless you and yours, and may your Christmas be merry, blessed, and bright!

The Good, the Sick, and the Moofy

This past week has been quite the doozy. Wednesday at work I had a very bothersome day involving calling the police. It left me feeling worn and sad, and trying to remember the world was beautiful. I was also feeling achey and weak. Thursday was Veteran's Day--Thank you veterans!--so I was off from work and school. I woke up all achey still, and exhausted, and lay in bed for another hour or so before taking a shower and getting back in bed to sleep some more. When I awoke as rested as I could be, I hobbled out to the living room to curl up on the couch. This was the beginning of the bug that kicked my butt for the following three days. So my day off, and last three days of "feasting"--eating meat and dairy--before the beginning of Advent, Women's Group, work, choir, preparing and carrying out of our OCMC (Orthodox Christian Mission Center) Fundraiser were all dampened by this dumb bug.

On the bright side, because of moofy conditions at work, I got to work in our other office on Friday with Kel, my beloved cousin, who took care of me. It was so nice to be with another human at work:) I spend my days in the Arcadia office alone for the most part, and the people I do come in contact with are not always the edifying type. It can be very glum. This week I may be working at the other office again, and I'm actually looking forward to it.

I felt obligated to take advantage of this "long weekend" and be productive, so Saturday I figured I could mostly sit still on my floor with no more discomfort than I was already in and organize some of my stuff and get rid of The Box I keep promising my roommate will be gone someday. And guess what! It's gone! Yay, me:) I feel better when things aren't so cluttered. However, I am one of those people that likes just a teensy bit of purposeful clutter to feel homey and cozy. You know, like all the junk on my shelves I save, etc.

Sunday we had our OCMC fundraiser, a burger cookout. We had a lot of help and I was so appreciative. I felt like I didn't do enough! Sophie is magnificent and basically took charge, and everyone was so eager to be helpful. It was wonderful. We made a decent profit which will be a big help to those who will be going on trips next year. I cannot wait for the list to come out. It's almost like waiting for a casting list to be posted for a play. Or more so, a call-back list--because you're still not sure how it's gonna pan out. It's also a little nerve-wracking because if they have a trip you have your heart set on that you are unable to go on, it's so sad! But in the end, God knows.

I took today off of work because Mondays are long and labor-intensive. I have had a few Mondays in which I wasn't well, and was miserable. I just couldn't do that again. I know it sucks for them to not have me in, but it's just coffee. I feel so committed to work sometimes, and I work so hard, but it's really not worth it. I don't get paid enough to be that stressed putting work over myself. It's a ME day! Which, as an Orthodox Christian on the 1st day of Advent, I feel a bit guilty doing. (not to mention I'm trying to finish off some of my meat and dairy that I couldn't eat this weekend. Don't judge me!) I just have to follow through and go full throttle once I'm recovered. In fact, I need to make myself read my homework once I finish this post, instead of reading design blogs about beauty. That's been my kick lately. They remind me of life's beauty, especially when I'm in the glum office, but I need to remember blogs aren't more beautiful than the real thing!

One last thing. We watched Toy Story 3 yesterday, and it was beautiful. Don't want to spoil it for anyone, so I'll just say: I really liked it! I lovely way to end a painful/lovely/exhausting/productive weekend.

10-26-10

Fourteen years ago this day

A tree is struck and points to May

Premature candies for Halloween

Consumed by the kiddies, while sirens sing.

Her leaves that for the Fall are changing

Shudder at the metal's clanging.

And not so very far away

Two children under an arbor play.

At the foot of the tree, a chaotic scene

The rescuer needs rescuing

leaves gathered there decorate the swing

Scooped from horseback while bicycling

(and pine-cones for the sons of the king!)

How could anything but Beauty be happening?

A new car comes, takes the three away

Down that road that arrives at May.

The tree again does stand alone

Those fallen at her feet have gone

And what they knew has gone away

Goodbye to youth. It cannot stay.

And on this day, throughout the years

She drops her leaves, in lieu of tears.

I Paid a Visit...

I paid a visit to the other side

to give the grass a chance.

I took off my shoes and walked around

and thus the day was passed.

A different shade of the color green

"greener" may or may not be

And soft and green as the other side was,

it was not home for me.

And this I know as fact because

these lines composed mid-night

whilst sojourning on the other side

I was not moved to write.

8/16/10

I had a dream last night with my dad in it. I'm trying so hard to remember what happened, to hang on to any piece of him. I know he was wearing a dark sweater in a kitchen, walking around, just being himself, and Emily and I were noting how he looked slightly pudgier in the belly than we'd expected. It usually seems in my dreams that I'm aware that I'm being allowed to see my dad, with the understanding that he died, or was near death. So usually, I'm happy to see him in my dream, just as I in reality am happy to dream about seeing him.

I always yearn for such experiences, where, at least in my dream, I am close to him once more. I can see, hear, and touch him. The other day at church a little girl sat on her dad's lap, playing with his hair and tracing his ear with her finger. Oh gosh, I remember that sort of liberty a little girl has to explore her daddy's head. I remember staring at the back of my dad's as he was driving and I was considering the magic of hair. The precious relationship between father and daughter is a unique and beautiful thing.

When I was younger, my dad would tell me that he was already praying for my future. Now that I'm older, I'm always asking him to pray for me. It is a funny connection, to say, "Dad, you remember when you mentioned this so many years ago? Well, can you please pray about that now?" I still need his fatherly guidance and caretaking. Do I ever! I am thankful that I know that he continues to pray for me.

Of course I should take comfort in that, and I do. Much comfort! But still, I long even more that I could sit on his lap and run my fingers through his hair as I listen to his breathing, or even just to glimpse him buzzing around the kitchen in a dorky sweater.

Maybe Tuesday Will Be My Good News Day

I'm not expecting news of any sort for today, but I love this line from one of my favorite Billie Holiday songs.

Today started off in a lovely cool grey. I left early enough to drive through and get a (soy) white chocolate mocha and lemon poppyseed muffin from The Coffee Bean on my way to work today. Cool air, a warm white mocha, and a lemon poppyseed muffin for me represent a Fall and Christmas sort of toasty beauty. It began at the Daily Grind across the street from Golden West College many years ago, and to this day holds a special place in my heart, and is a sensory cue for quiet thoughts and pangs in the heart of several sorts.

I recently picked up my copy of A Severe Mercy by Sheldon Vanauken. I've already read it, about 2 years ago, but it was so gloriously beautiful, that when I saw it on my shelf I ached to read it again. Though I love grey mornings, my hearts been feeling a little grey recently, and I've been hungrily drinking in Vanauken's poetic prose. His, and his wife's, love of beauty and of love and joy are just en-heartening. With a 9.5 hour work day, things like this deliver my daily beauty intake, and I am ever-so grateful.

I hope you all have a beautiful Tuesday.

P.s. Another small joy I've discovered: free mp3 downloads on Amazon.com. I used to love the weekly songs starbucks gave codes for on iTunes, but I haven't found any recently. The iTunes store also has songs of the week, but only 1 out of 13 is any good. I thought I'd see if amazon has any freebs, and not only do they have multiple freebs, but good ones at that! Woot! I downloaded almost all of the songs from this page: http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=s9_hps_bw_clnk?node=334897011&sort=salesrank&pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_s=right-3&pf_rd_r=1Q1PQY0TM7FPP1DZTABG&pf_rd_t=101&pf_rd_p=503588691&pf_rd_i=678551011

Enjoy!

Some life instruction from St. Peter:

But also for this very reason, giving all diligence, add to your faith virtue, to virtue knowledge, to knowledge self-control, to self-control perseverance, to perseverance godliness, to godliness brotherly kindness, and to brotherly kindness love. For if these things are yours and abound, you will be neither barren nor unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.

2 Peter 1:5-8

I accidently read this in today's Bible reading, which was supposed to start at v.10, but I'm thankful I was mistaken. I just like these verses because it provides a sort of step-by-step guide for bettering oneself. I don't think mine are exactly in this order, but still! It's good to have a list.

In similar news, today is the feast of the Transfiguration! Blessed feast! I love how on feast days we commemorate some facet of God that represents so much more. At the Transfiguration Christ's divinity shone before the 3 apostles, and He was confirmed to be the Son of God. And for all the poets and poetry-minded people out there, we get a beautiful symbol: Light!

Here's just one example.

Joy requires one to be awake,
Adjusting the heart's ambience to bright.
Some prefer the dark, as is their right,
On grounds of agony, and to forsake
Not only bliss, but all that's blessed by light.
~Nicholas Gordon

There are so many beautiful ways in which Light teaches us about God. The purity. The brilliance. The steadfastness. It's ability to be reflected in other objects.

What are some others?

Love you!

America, the Beautiful

Happy 6th of July, everyone! July 6, 2010 has been a nice day, you know, aside from being at work all day. I've been reading blogs and mulling over life in CA, the south, Colorado, and Indiana, as well as looking over pictures from my Indiana trip, and I realize more about why I truly DO love America. America is beautiful.

Not only is America beautiful in its geography, giving us tropical ocean-fronts, snowcapped mountains, plains, sand-dunes, and canyons, and also in it's social landscape, but the beautiful lives it allows us to live. Life is beautiful, even in difficult and trying times. Anyone seen the movie Life is Beautiful? Then you'll know what I mean. However, we are so blessed to live in the country and time that we do. We really take for granted the fact that our lives are so beautiful because of our Country.

The boast of some countries are palaces, resorts, or major cities with iconic landmarks. Here in america, we have all of these: We have the Statue of Liberty, the Grand Canyon, and now Chicago's Bean. Still, I think what best represents all-around America for me is Smalltown, U.S.A with downtown cross-streets and uncultivated countryside somewhere on the fringe or woven throughout, that connects us to the land. This is just a personal opinion, most likely, but I think it encompasses the American spirit.

I just got an email from the U.S. Army asking me to join the Chaplain Corps. They obviously don't know much about me!

"How do you like Obama's mustache? He's evil, like Hitler, Bush and Cheney!"

Dude. Seriously? Do you think that I can take anything you say seriously once you and your people have drawn a Hitler mustache on Obama? Seriously? You hate Obama and Bush. Obviously you're a non-partisan hate-spreader, so I shouldn't really consider your tauntingly voiced hassling me as I go about my business at the post office as anything personal. No, just really, really obnoxious. I am SO not in the mood for you today, immature mustache-drawing leader-hater. Stop wasting everybody's time.

People today are very negative and crude, and think they have the right to talk to me however they want. I shouldn't have to tell a "fellow professional" to "not use that kind of language with me." No one has any respect, manners, or civility these days.

Please, someone remind me of the beauty in humanity before I go mad today.

(A little help, St. Barnabas? Son of encouragement?)

Wednesday

Last week was a very long week for me. I had an online final and three floral projects to do, with work and social obligations strewn throughout. Then Saturday was the anniversary of my dad's passing.

I've been missing him a lot in the recent weeks. I'm not usually one to be more mournful on one date any more than another. Of course, there is a certain poignancy and sentimentality that goes along with anniversaries. This year my season of mourning and this date seemed to just coincide.

People say one never finishes mourning. Sure, you get used to the fact that the person you've lost is gone. I don't consider my dad's death or my life thereafter to be a tragedy. Now that it's been 13 years, the fact that my father is in heaven is very much a part of life. It's been over half of my lifetime, in fact. Every year as I get older, however, there are new things to mourn. As I become the woman I am becoming, and learn new things about myself, I learn a little bit more about my dad. Although in many ways I take after my mother, there are certain qualities that I have inherited from my dad. Of course, there's the awkward toe (thanks a lot, Dad!), but also, I like to think, his sense of humor and appreciation of life. As I consider how my dad would appreciate the things I do, I wish I could have him around to talk to him about it, and I miss him in this new aspect. Also, there's been a whole lot of weddings lately, and it brings home the reality of the fact that if I ever get married, my dad won't be there. That walk down the aisle and the father-daughter dance is such a precious thing. With new milestones in life comes new times to miss my dad's presence.

Of course, I am ultra blessed to be Orthodox because it provides an amazing understanding of death as well as tools for mourning and coping. To be able to pray for the deceased and to ask for their prayers is a blessing that not many get to experience. Making kholiva and saying Trisagions for the departed is very cathartic and I think really guides the process of grieving. It's really such a healthy way to commemorate your loved ones.

Funny enough, one of my finals last week really added to my emotional condition. One of the floral classes I took was called Global Floristy, which concentrated on Sympathy designs, i.e. funeral flowers and sympathy gifts. For the final we were to design a custom "set piece," which is a type of 2D design made out of flowers (typically a cross or heart with initials). I decided to make a Kermit "bust" as a tribute to Jim Henson. While researching, (at night while the rest of the household was in bed, mind you) I watched several videos from Jim Henson's memorial service, and got a little teary over a few of the speakers and songs, "If Just One Person," in particular. THEN the real tear-jerker was a song called "A Boy and His Frog," not from the memorial service, but written after Henson's death by a fan, I suppose. It was beautiful and I may have wept at it.

I don't know how much of my general emotionality is due to having lost my dad or just being generally sensitive, but I'm glad that I can be able to feel the way I do. Missing my dad serves as blessing to have a deeper appreciation and understanding of so many aspects of life. I am ever-so thankful for the part he has played in my life, and continues to play, and I know he continues to pray for me.

Thank you Dad, for being Awesome You. I love you.

2:30 am

It's "Tuesday night," as I'd like to call it, and I'm up drawing a giant Kermit head, sprawled on my living room floor, and crying at Jim Henson's Memorial videos and a song called "A Boy and His Frog."

I have been up for quite a few hours "researching" for my final project for Global Floristry, which I will be turning in tomorrow morning. It is a set piece for a funeral, which I am to design custom for a real or imaginary person. After quite a bit of time youtube-ing Sammy Davis Jr. and quickly passing up the idea of doing something for my Dad, I realized Jim Henson would be perfect.

I go beyond Muppet Geek when it comes to my affection for Jim Henson and his Muppets.

it's now 3:20, and at this point i'm truly tired. adieu.

Nothing in Particular

Hello my pretties! I just uploaded a new template, and I think it's pretty pretty. :) Don't you?

It's 4:43 and I should be finishing up my homework before I finish up the office day, but, boy! it's just really difficult to keep my nose in that dumb business book these days. Also, I just got a grande frappuccinno for $2-something. They're having 1/2-off Frapp happy hour from 3-5p, today until the 16th! So you can bet your britches I got me one the first opportunity I got! No celebrity look-alike comments from the barista's there today. I think I get a little excited talking to the baristas about things like how to make/order the new frapps because I used to BE one of them, but they don't seem to reciprocate my excitement. They think I'm just another customer seeking info that they could never really comprehend anyhow. Aw. Not I! I miss my barista-ing days.

Summers coming, I can feel it! Literally. My left arm is officially a shade darker than my right, now. Also, I have projects due next week that I'm avoiding. Soon enough, school will be over, and I will shift my attention to raising money for Mexico and then making the Transfer to CSULB. Woot! This will entail registering for classes, and rearranging my work schedule, and possibly looking for part-time work. I have a feeling I may be working a tidbit more during the summer, which'll be good.

I want to sit under the canopy of a large tree with holes of sunlight (that don't fall on my left arm) on soft grass and read a book that's actually enjoyable. Not pretentious. I want to be happy with the world and enjoy it's beauty, not bitter and holding those less meaningful things against it. I want to hug you. I want to never feel unattractive. I want to write letters, and receive them. I want to ride a bike, slow and barely awkwardly, like Kermit, but in a sundress.

I want to make everyone feel loved.

I've had a wistful feeling today, partly feeling life is beautiful, and partly being really annoyed at the mundane un-beautiful obnoxious things. Like this office. But right now it's raining and gray, and "Bon Iver" radio is playing on Pandora, and life feels a little more beautiful. Also, a barista at Starbucks today told me I looked like Scarlett Johannsen, so that made me feel better. I thought, "Wow, and I'm even having a 'bad face day' today!"

Also, my beautiful cousin is getting married in less than two weeks! I am thrilled. Bachelorette party this weekend!

I've been accepted into CSU Long Beach! Wahoo! This is an answer to prayer. I cannot say how thankful and excited I am. For the past 5 years I have been floating around a bit, waiting for my path to manifest itself. I have had a couple "false starts" though they weren't really; they have brought me thus far. I've learned a lot and experienced a lot. I probably would not have been an Anthropology student if I had gone straight into a 4-year as a potential nursing student. I wouldn't have been able to dabble in floral design, either. I am thankful for the time I've had to experience these things, through which God has been guiding me and

Now I have a path for at least the next couple years. (I'm assuming, that is, that it'll take me approximately that long to take my upper division Anthro classes.) I feel like this is the beginning of a new chapter in life. I'm going to get my BA and graduate! Then I can get a job and help people (I hope)! I am so very thankful to God because I had been losing hope and coming so close to giving up at several points during the process. But He is good and got me through, and got me in! I am not going to take this for granted. God has blessed me in this area, and I only feel like His good will is going to be done in other areas of my life. I have hope! Christ is risen!! How can I forget: Christ is risen and death is overthrown! Christ is risen, and the demons are fallen! Chris is risen, and the angels rejoice! Christ is risen, and life reigns! Christ is risen, and not one dead remains in the tomb!

Four Reasons Why I Love Lazarus Saturday

From today's Gospel (John 11:1-45):

"Lord, he whom you love is ill." ... Now Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazaros. So when He heard that he was ill, He stayed two days longer in the place where He was. ...

Now Jesus had not yet come to the village, but was still in the place where Martha had met Him. When the Jews who were with her in the house, consoling her, saw Mary rise quickly and go out, they followed her, supposing that she was going to the tomb to weep there. Then Mary, when she came where Jesus was and saw Him, fell at His feet, saying to Him, "Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died." When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who came with her also weeping, He was deeply moved in spirit and troubled; and He said, "Where have you laid him?" They said to Him, "Lord, come and see." Jesus wept. So the Jews said, "See how He loved him!" But some of them said, "Could not He who opened the eyes of the blind man have kept this man from dying?"

Then Jesus, deeply moved again, came to the tomb; ...

Today we remember Lazarus, the friend of Jesus, for whom He wept. I love today's Gospel because it shows us Christ's compassion for His fellow man--for His friends. In a hymn chanted this morning we are reminded of Christ's human nature shown alongside His divine nature in that He wept and mourned for the loss of His friend, and at seeing His friends grieve over their brother. Later in the same Gospel Christ manifests His divine power in raising Lazarus from the dead! It is a beautiful passage because it shows, I think, so much of who Christ is. We see how much He truly loves people, and I think it's especially interesting to see His love for specific individuals.

Today I also celebrate an imaginary feast for the Apostle Thomas, called the Twin--whom we commonly refer to as Doubting Thomas. I have had a very strong affinity for St. Thomas ever since I was preparing for my short-term mission trip to India. You see, St. Thomas traveled to India after the Great Commission and established the Church there. There still exist church communities in India who are called St. Thomas Christians, which are members of the Oriental Orthodox Church. Many recall the fact that St. Thomas would not believe that Christ was risen until he saw Him wit his own eyes, or that he was the only disciple not present for the funeral of the Theotokos. However, because of his doubt, our faith in the resurrection is affirmed, and because he desired to venerate Mary, it was discovered that her physical body did not remain, as she had been translated to life by her Holy Son. What St. Thomas is rarely remembered for is his fearless dedication to Christ:

Then after this He said to the disciples, "Let us go into Judea again." The disciples said to him, "Rabbi, the Jews were but now seeking to stone you, and are you going there again?" ... and then He said to them, "Our friend Lazaros has fallen asleep, but I go to awake him out of sleep." ...Thomas, called the Twin, said to his fellow disciples, "Let us also go, that we may die with him."

Thomas was willing to die alongside Christ, to Whom he would later cry out, "My Lord and my God!" I think it is in fact because Thomas is so readily remembered for his (minimal) faults that I am drawn to him because, seeing his faith in this passage, and knowing of his desire for Truth and his willingness to preach Christ to the ends of the earth, I know what a saint he truly is. So, when this passage is read, I inwardly celebrate and thank God for St. Thomas.

Additionally, on Lazarus Saturday, we have finally reached the end of Great Lent, and begin the transition into Holy Week. After 40 long days of spiritual struggle, Lazarus Saturday is a feast of such joy! We see the resurrection of a man, Lazarus, after the 4th day. The resurrection of the faithful is confirmed, as well as Jesus Christ's divinity. Bearing witness to the omnipotence of Christ gives us so much joy and hope for the trials yet to come, especially those we will face in the coming Holy Week. No matter how difficult the Lent (can I get a witness?!) or strenuous the journey through Holy Week, we absolutely KNOW that Christ has the power to and WILL be risen! The resurrection of Lazarus is a foretaste of the Lord's own death-crushing Holy Resurrection. (Yay!)

Finally, I am overjoyed every year on Lazarus Saturday because on this day my parish, St. Barnabas Antiochian Orthodox Church, welcomes its newest members into communion through Holy Baptism and Chrismation. I am overwhelmed when, in the beginning of the service, the whole church recites in unison the Nicene Creed. It gives me chills when we affirm our faith together, in one voice, as one body. The baptism and chrismation of the newly-illumined excites me ever-so! I cannot fully describe how exciting it is--it must be similar to a family welcoming a new baby. Needless to say, the experience of sharing in the joy of the newly-illumineds' chrismation is truly awesome, and something I carry with me through Holy Week, and into Pascha!

One week until Pascha! One week until we may exclaim "Christ is risen!" Simply knowing that the fruit of our labors is so close at hand makes the struggle of the coming week so much easier to face. May we all find strength in the joy of the promised resurrection!

Observations

On the way to work today, I just noticed a hole-in-the-wall bar was called "Drinkers Hall of Fame."

Lent, Quotes, and Me

If you yourself are free from attachment to natural things, and give yourself to prayer and fasting, then even in you the Spirit will as it were, swallow up the flesh and you will become spiritual, and behold God the Holy Spirit everywhere in nature; while on the contrary, those who are attached to earthly things, especially to food and drink or to money, become sensual, having not the spirit. And in everything they see only flesh, not beholding the spirit, and even rejecting the spiritual aspects of things.
-St. John of Kronstadt

Add to this the words from our first prayer of the Trisagion: Oh Heavenly King, O Comforter, Who is in all places and fillest all things...

and

Blessed are the pure in heart for they shall see God.

Matthew 5:8

Put it all together, and whattya get? Hopefully we get an understanding that to pursue God, seek Him, and love Him, leads to our ability to see Him and know Him everywhere! Is the Holy Spirit really evident in that bum? That flower? That cat? That slum? Yes! When we have purity of heart through joining ourselves to Christ, we are able to more clearly see His presence. People are icons of Christ. God has revealed Himself through His creation. All aspects of it. And how can we, loving the Creator, not care for His beloved creation? Through prayer and fasting, we die to ourselves and gain life with Christ. May we not be clouded by "the world" and it's passions, by our own desires and thoughts. May we attain to purity of heart, that we may see God in all things.

This is not a very composed post, and I don't really know for whom I am writing, but such is life. Lord have mercy!

I've been doing a lot of research lately on Native Americans, and more specifically Native Alaskans. I'm working on a project for my Global Floristry class. As a demi-anthropologist-in-the-making, I get so into learning about these different cultures. After reading about their culture and listening to their music, I want to go visit them and join in their dancing and singing! I also feel this way after traveling somewhere, especially on mission trips. I want to take on a bit of every culture, be an everywoman, and join in! When imagining it, though, I realize how silly I must appear, all blonde, white (unless sun burnt), and slightly less than coordinated. Try and practice as I might, I will never be a full participant of that culture. I'm not born into it.

Then I begin to be a little saddened because what culture do we have here in America? My family in particular? Knowing I am a mix of Irish, German, English, and French doesn't seem to help me tap into ancient roots. We don't go to clan gatherings or have drum circles, or at-the-top-of-your-lungs singing. But after a moment of feeling too bad, I remember what a blessing that is!

What is my identity? Who am I? What defines me? I am an Orthodox Christian, follower of the One True God, lover of Truth and Beauty.
The Church provides me with everything I need! The identity, culture, music, festivals, and even dances are built into church life. And though it's not something I was born into through family history, it is something I was meant to be as a human being. My "people's" history doesn't go back to our settlement of an area, or separation from another group, but goes back to the CREATION OF THE WORLD! A lot of indigenous culture groups have their own religious beliefs, particular to their group. When they learn of the Truth, they feel like they have to give up a large part of their culture and identity in order to follow Christ. I am lucky that I do not have to worry about that. I can give my whole self to identifying as an Orthodox Christian, albeit in America.

A beautiful thing about the Orthodox Church is that It is for all peoples. We see Greek, Russian, Serbian, Antiochian African, Indian, Native American, and European cultural traditions found within the church. It's beautiful. Here I have the safety to embrace many cultures' ways of praising God and celebrating life. I think back to my time in Cameroon, where I danced in a circle, with blonde ponytail and red t-shirt, alongside a couple generations of Cameroonian men and women in celebration of the groundbreaking ceremony for a new Orthodox Church building. I may have looked ridiculous (I may even have video of that somewhere) but I shared in their joy, and we thanked God, together.

Tina Philothei

I wanted to share with you a story that really touches on the life-changing power of Orthodox Christian missions.

Almost a year ago exactly I participated on a short-term mission team through OCMC (The Orthodox Christian Mission Center) to work at an orphanage in Kolkata, India. Sister Nectaria was our hostess. She has been running the orphanage and all other projects under the Philanthropic Society of the Orthodox Church.

While there I learned so much about the difficulties the people as well as the Church face in India. Not only is there so much material poverty, but there is much spiritual poverty as well. I heard the story of Father Mokios. Father Mokios used to be a Hindu priest in a village. When he converted, however, his village destroyed the idols in his former temple, saying he had defiled them, and made his family, still Hindus, pay to replace them. He was then forced to leave his home village and now serves several churches around the Kolkata area, and is the priest at the Church of the Mother of God on the premises of the Girls’ Orphanage.

As some of you from St. Barnabas may recall, in mid December we prayed a Trisagion for the soul of the departed Tina (Philothei). I thought I would share with you about this young woman and the importance of her story. Less than a week ago marked the 40th day after Tina’s passing.

Tina was around 17 when we met her at the orphanage. She was still in school, but helped out a lot at the orphanage. While we were visiting, she helped with preparing and serving our meals. She was often found shepherding one or two of the younger girls from the orphanage. She was a baptized Orthodox Christian, and led services with one or two other girls from the chanters stand.

While we were staying at the Orphanage, Tina had a few doctor’s appointments because her back was bothering her. Shortly after we left, she was diagnosed with cancer, and given about 6 months to live. She went through some very strong chemotherapy. She even took her final exams in the hospital while doing chemo. This girl was such a fighter. She was doing better but then her conditioned worsened. On December 8th, 2009, she passed away. This is the same day as Saint Patapios, the patron of Sister Nectaria’s convent in Corinth.

Tina’s patron saint Philothei shares a lot in common with her.

February 19 - Reading:
Saint Philothei was born in Athens in 1522 to an illustrious family. Against her will, she was married to a man who proved to be most cruel. When he died three years later, the Saint took up the monastic life and established a convent, in which she became a true mother to her disciples. Many women enslaved and abused by the Moslem Turks also ran to her for refuge. Because of this, the Turkish rulers became enraged and came to her convent, dragged her by force out of the church, and beat her cruelly. After a few days, she reposed, giving thanks to God for all things. This came to pass in the year 1589. She was renowned for her almsgiving, and with Saints Hierotheus and Dionysius the Areopagite is considered a patron of the city of Athens.

It is amazing how likewise, Tina came from a very difficult background, having suffered through many difficult trials, but then found comfort in the arms of the Church through her life at the orphanage. I look back to our time there and remember Tina being always helpful, and especially in leading the younger girls in the prayer services as a reader, and wrangling them in between. Like her patron, she took care of those who also suffered and needed her caring. And finally, she courageously gave up her life after more physical suffering. Of course I wasn't there, but I can imagine her humble smile in the latter days. The fact alone that she took her exams while in the hospital reveals that she was a fighter and keeping positive. She was a humble, caring, beautiful young woman.

I thank God that Tina had the love of Christ and the Church. I also thank God that she had a loving family with Sister Nectaria and all her sisters at the orphanage. I am blessed to know that she will be at peace in paradise, but losing her only reminds me of how very important missions in the Orthodox Church is. How many young girls in India pass away without ever having the strength and love of the Church? I am reminded that I need to keep the girls and the mission there in my prayers, even more than ever. Because of legal red tape, Sister Nectaria was not able to get her visa renewed when it expired in October. Unfortunately, this meant she was not there at the time of Tina’s passing, which makes things more difficult for all parties.
The girls and those helping to run the orphanage in Sister’s absence really need our prayers during these times.

May God receive the soul of His handmaiden, and hear her prayers for us and for those left behind in India.

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What to do.
I have things to write about.
I have things I should probably look up.
I have stuff I can read.
I feel glowy and lovey,
but I also feel full, tired, and lazy.
Yeah, I said it.
I think I may listen to a lecture from a priest,
and play a clicky game to keep my eyes busy.
I have brainstorms for blogs to be written,
but this is just to say that I don't think I'm going to write
right now.