Last week was a very long week for me. I had an online final and three floral projects to do, with work and social obligations strewn throughout. Then Saturday was the anniversary of my dad's passing.
I've been missing him a lot in the recent weeks. I'm not usually one to be more mournful on one date any more than another. Of course, there is a certain poignancy and sentimentality that goes along with anniversaries. This year my season of mourning and this date seemed to just coincide.
People say one never finishes mourning. Sure, you get used to the fact that the person you've lost is gone. I don't consider my dad's death or my life thereafter to be a tragedy. Now that it's been 13 years, the fact that my father is in heaven is very much a part of life. It's been over half of my lifetime, in fact. Every year as I get older, however, there are new things to mourn. As I become the woman I am becoming, and learn new things about myself, I learn a little bit more about my dad. Although in many ways I take after my mother, there are certain qualities that I have inherited from my dad. Of course, there's the awkward toe (thanks a lot, Dad!), but also, I like to think, his sense of humor and appreciation of life. As I consider how my dad would appreciate the things I do, I wish I could have him around to talk to him about it, and I miss him in this new aspect. Also, there's been a whole lot of weddings lately, and it brings home the reality of the fact that if I ever get married, my dad won't be there. That walk down the aisle and the father-daughter dance is such a precious thing. With new milestones in life comes new times to miss my dad's presence.
Of course, I am ultra blessed to be Orthodox because it provides an amazing understanding of death as well as tools for mourning and coping. To be able to pray for the deceased and to ask for their prayers is a blessing that not many get to experience. Making kholiva and saying Trisagions for the departed is very cathartic and I think really guides the process of grieving. It's really such a healthy way to commemorate your loved ones.
Funny enough, one of my finals last week really added to my emotional condition. One of the floral classes I took was called Global Floristy, which concentrated on Sympathy designs, i.e. funeral flowers and sympathy gifts. For the final we were to design a custom "set piece," which is a type of 2D design made out of flowers (typically a cross or heart with initials). I decided to make a Kermit "bust" as a tribute to Jim Henson. While researching, (at night while the rest of the household was in bed, mind you) I watched several videos from Jim Henson's memorial service, and got a little teary over a few of the speakers and songs, "If Just One Person," in particular. THEN the real tear-jerker was a song called "A Boy and His Frog," not from the memorial service, but written after Henson's death by a fan, I suppose. It was beautiful and I may have wept at it.
I don't know how much of my general emotionality is due to having lost my dad or just being generally sensitive, but I'm glad that I can be able to feel the way I do. Missing my dad serves as blessing to have a deeper appreciation and understanding of so many aspects of life. I am ever-so thankful for the part he has played in my life, and continues to play, and I know he continues to pray for me.
Thank you Dad, for being Awesome You. I love you.
