I'm sure I won't finish this in 5 minutes.
I cut my hair. It's short! I even cut it a second time. It's shorter! Not for the purpose of making it shorter, but it needed a trim because it was beginning to mullet, so my roommate ship-shaped it up for me. Now I feel pretty Starbuck-ian, which sometimes is cool. It's weird sometimes--it's so different! But also, it's different! and that's cool. Short hair is so much more purposeful than long hair. I mean, I still put 0 time into my hair like I used to, but...
Anyways!
It's rainy and cool and beautiful today, and I've been listening to music I like and looking at flannel and sweaters and campgrounds and I just want that warm fuzzy beautifulness! I want to hang out with my friends who aren't here or near. I want to walk around a drizzly city. By a body of water. With Christmas lights!
SIGH

Hair's what I'm thinking

So, I think I'm gonna cut my hair. Here's some reasons and replies to your arguments.

1) I want to donate it

2) I've had long hair for a long time, and I want something new

3) Back-to-school haircut!

4) I always wear my hair in an awkward bun to get it out of the way anyways. It's not like I wear it down and flowing a lot.

5) I think it'll have more personality, and even possibly femininity if I'm actually doing SOMETHING with it. Styling? Hairbands? ooh, aren't you excited? :)

6) Short hair is making a comeback (@Ana Lewis, @Mary Honore, @Catherine Marie Nicola, @Claire Hanlon are just a few examples. Hey, girls, hey!)

7) "Didn't you get that out of your system in high school?"--Not really. I've had long hair for several years now. I want something fresh and new, I'm tired of this style, or lack thereof. (side note, I had one cute short haircut followed by several bad ones...eech. But hopefully it'll be done right this time:)

8) "But you have such beautiful blonde hair!!"--Yeah. Well, it'll still be blonde and beautiful :)

9) "But you're not a mom!"--Yeah. Oh well. My reasoning is that by the time I become a mom I'll want long hair to make me look youthful, so I might as well have short hair now, so I can always go back.

10) "But it's so long!"--Yeah. It'll grow back.

11) "But guys are more attracted to long hair."--Yeah, we'll maybe not alllll of them? 'Sides, they've had their chance to look at it. It's not like it's brought any husbands out of the woodwork. And if Mr. Right arrives right after it's cut and doesn't "notice me" w/ short hair, then he's DUMB. ;D

12) I've experienced the long hair thing. But I don't want to be stuck in the same hair forever. Sista needs some spice! And might as well experiment with hair which grows than get spicy piercings, tattoos, or even (gasp) dye my hair!

+)Forgive me for being preemptively defensive, but the more people say "Noooo! Don't cut it! You can't cut it!!" I think, "oh yeah? Watch me, now!" If you still want to comment, I won't bite your head off:) I love you all! And maybe you'll have some valuable feedback that I'd appreciate:)

Here's a sense of the look I'm thinking of:

http://pinterest.com/tinimarie/hair-s-what-i-m-thinking/

...Aaaand I'm only 75% sure about doing this at the moment. Maybe 80. Hehe:)

A friend of mine from a mission trip just got engaged. I just found out another friend of mine, from that same trip (!) is getting married in two weeks! My sister's dating a guy who is pursuing her, and thinks she's great. My friend is a Protestant and doesn't even have consider denominations when dating. My other friend is madly in love. And, I have another friend who was trying to long-distance hook me up with a guy on the east coast, who seemed like such a good catch, but East Coast said he's just not ready to meet anyone. Strike 523. Sigh. I am soo happy for my friends who are getting married. And I really feel the pain of my friends who are ready and trying and just struggling with being alone. I pray for them as I pray for myself, because I know how hard, difficult, frustrating, and lonely it is.

It's a specific type of loneliness. It's not the lack of friends, family, and loved ones. I am SO grateful for all the amazing people in my life. I am loved, and boy, do I love! But there comes a point in life where you're doing your own thang, and as everyone starts settling down, getting married, having babies (right and left), and starting careers, it is increasingly difficult to get by with just yourself. When all your friends are single, and your doing things communally, like church and school, you are a support group for each other. But as life gets busier and your schedule becomes more complex, its a lot harder to relate to everyone, especially if they have their own significant other. Its like having someone assigned to you, who you care about and they care about you. Someone who you can do fun things with and talk about minute details of your life and they care, taking it on with you. So you're not in It alone, so your life is witnessed, and what you do seems to matter. I'm lucky in that I have a single roommate with whom I can share with and relate to, and a couple dating roommates who at least aren't married, and I can share a good amount with as well. But I also have a fear of coming to depend on my friends too much to be all that to me, because it won't be long 'til they get married too. Maybe that's irrational or something, but its there.

I'm really looking forward to our Fall Seminar at church, where they will have a talk directed specifically to Singles/Unmarrieds, and it's NOT about dating and needing to get married or become a monastic. (At least, I hope not!) Guys, it gets pretty hard being single in a community that is so family oriented. Which of course, I am glad for--families are the little church. But it's hard to be at women's functions where conversations revolve about baby stuff, or family stuff, or cooking, housekeeping, husbands, anything.

Being an Eastern Orthodox Christian trying to date is that much harder. Fish in the sea? Well, the Orthodox 'sea' of men is more like a big puddle, and I'm trying to swim in it but I'm just making big splashes. As I was discussing with my single friend yesterday, its one more hoop to jump through, yet for us its the most important hoop of all, and we willingly choose to have it there. Like finding a camel to put through the eye of a needle. I guess thats why we're supposed to trust in God, through whom all things are possible.

Anyways, everything will be ok. God willing, this is just a season. I know my life will be very different a few years from now, but I don't even know what that's gonna look like. For all things good and profitable to our souls, let us pray to the Lord. Lord have mercy!

I bit all my nails this week. I don't know if I've been anxious, or bored, or hungry, or restless. I've felt all of those things. I feel like I've been trying to learn things in life, and grow. Recent events like "break-ups" (but not really) and (re)new(ed) opportunities (but not really?), multiple deaths, sharing with roommates, old and new, facing my last year of school (God-willing), and such things have been pushing my buttons, but I'm not sure what those buttons do. Sometimes I feel like I'm learning, but sometimes I feel SO stagnant in life. I sit at this job all day accomplishing hardly anything, and I kinda just feel silly. I should be taking charge, making my life awesome, but I just look at inspiring photographs and wish I could do something. I'm always disappointed in my lack of doing, my lack of accomplishments. What have I to show for all my good intentions, huh? :/

I started writing a poem in my head this morning about stirring my coffee with a plastic knife from McDonald's, but didn't write it down. Trying to make my pitiful worklife into something more. I should attempt a rehash.

I like to stir my coffee with a plastic knife

or maybe I don't "like" to, but I do.

This horrible coffee that I share with one coworker,

the one who bought this tiny bucket

the one who talks about how expensive coffee is to buy

and I don't think he realizes buying in bulk is cheaper

and buy buying in bulk, I mean buying a regular size coffee.

I just accept the fact that there's not gonna be much coming out of this coffee pot

just a sorry excuse for caffeination.

So I'll buy the next one, which will be slightly more for at least twice the coffee,

and he'll think I'm crazy

and that it tastes too strong.

Oh, you mean it tastes like coffee, this time?

Only 8 1/2 more hours to go.

(that was nothing like it:)

Two (and a half) Weeks

Suddenly, surprisingly. Well, that ended just as it started.

Life! That's my sore spot! Please stop poking me repeatedly in my bruised heart.

Seriously.

Kicking myself.

Durr, Christine.

:/

On Sunday I attended a wedding of a man I dated after meeting him at a wedding. Funny how things turn out, sometimes.

I am really truly happy for them.

I highly doubt that the fellow I chatted with at this wedding will lead to any similar situation. I mean, he'll probably marry someone else, but I won't be there.

Sometimes you can do everything right, and be pretty awesome, but though you're quite a catch, there just ain't no catcher.

Story of my life.

I'm bad at blogging. Not that it matters. but I pretty much write things on select holidays, anniversaries, or when I'm all mushy gushy whiney. I'm not so good at writing the happy sentiments, "just because-s," as well.

Case and point, I don't think I'm going to finish this post.

:)

Better luck next crime!

Blessed Feast of the Annunciation!

Today is the beginning of our salvation, and the manifestation of the mystery from the ages. For the Son of God becometh the Son of the Virgin, and Gabriel proclaimeth grace. Therefore with him let us shout out to the Theotokos: Hail thou who art full of grace! The Lord is with thee.

It's nearing the end of March--the "out-like-a-lamb" part? Not quite--and a lot has been going on. A LOT, a lot. Today is the Feast of the Annunciation! It is spring, and technically I'm on spring break. All that means to me, though, is two random days off, on which I can feel slightly less guilty about not doing my homework. I turned 25 a couple weeks ago, and we found out we have to move from our St. Ruth's Place. Oh, and it's Lent.

It seems it always takes me a couple weeks to really go strong with Lent. It's been especially challenging this year because of all that's been happening, and because I started my "lenten struggles" early. But now I find myself not-quite mid-Lent and the fogginess is finally starting to lift that I may begin taking action to work on the issues that have come up in recent months (Or I suppose I should say, have manifested themselves in the recent months). I've been learning a lot about God's will, God's love, fears, doubts, hope, trust, free will, and grace. I am trying, now, to move from the pain of the brokenness to the hope in the healing. I am trying to be conscious and make efforts to move forward, to address the issues, and find Godly, healthy ways to change my thinking. You know, Lent is so much more than giving up food. That is so easy, if only that's all it took. (I don't even do well at food-fasting, because I still am consumed with thoughts about food, trying to make the best possible of what I'm "allowed" to eat. So, yes, that's another thing I'm trying to work on.) Beyond food, though, this season allows us to tear away from ourselves those other things in our lives that have been holding us back--confusing us, blinding us, and hindering us.

And this year, more than ever for me, this is scary. I never realized how much, how hard I've clung onto certain things out of desperation, that have been keeping me from trusting fully in God and from knowing Him more deeply. I have to be honest and tell God that I am scared to let go. But why should I doubt that He'll catch me? Oh, I want to throw myself into His arms, to rest my head on Christ's chest and just let Him love me. I'm sure He'd love this too! Why (besides the fact that the presence of the Almighty God is a little bit daunting!) is it so complicated, this simple leap of faith? Because I have to leave the place I'm standing, the foothold that I have convinced myself is stable and good, although I've never really been certain, although it's only ever been a tease. With God, I don't know what life looks like. Not that it matters, if I'm with Him. But right now, I worry, and I'm clinging to burdens I could so easily lay at His feet. Silly me, silly little girl. I'm beginning to pry my fingers off that tight grip that holds my basket o' burdens I call wants and needs. I'm telling myself His grace is sufficient. I'm only now starting to believe it. I'm only now beginning to understand.

Oh, how little I know, how little I can conceive of. How greatly I desire Him, His Wisdom, His love, His mercy! And how far I keep from Him. Lord, help me in my weakness to come to You, to trust You. Lord have mercy!

Let's Have It Out...

I'm a girl, and I love love!

Yes, I know that St. Valentine's Day is overly commercialized and its sentimentality can seem contrived. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But still, there's a season for everything, and I'm not going to be ashamed to admit that I like love songs and flowers and love letters. Or even that I sometimes like pink. But don't quote me on that--it's only certain shades in certain contexts.

Finally, I'm not going to be ashamed to make a playlist of some of my favorite love songs and post it. Teeheehee.

Edit: I removed the playlist so it doesn't keep playing everytime. Maybe I'll add the link next time.

In a moment of weakness, I proclaim, "I'm not good at anything!" I don't like doing things like exercise and knowing all the details about nutrition and economics and, who knows, politics. I'm poor at such 'earthly' details, and I feel disconnected from those who seem to be masters of it. My friend compares "well I'm not good at crafty things and I can't relate to the creative people."

Personally, I love and need beauty and acts of creation in my life. But, is creating the same as paying the bills? Is writing poetry the same as going on a jog? Is there really a need for beauty and creativity in the world the same way there is a need for science? Or is it just an excuse we creative minds make because we can't understand the other part. Are the two sides of our brains created equal?

A website about careers after graduation seems to only offer financial groups, big-selling co's (Coca-cola, Disney), consulting, or technical firms and companies who are hiring. What's there for me? Some secretarial job at such a company? Is my critical thinking only good for solving filing problems, and my my creativity only for color coordinating someone else's proposals?

It's a constant effort to conform my mind to the tasks required of me, and I always feel like I'm just barely doing ok at it. And I don't think there's much space in this world for equally acknowledging the things I like and enjoy and don't stink at.

Is there anyone out there who thinks creating, beauty, and love hold equal ground with the "necessary" things of life?

Just some things

Health.

Beauty.

Gratitude.

Encounters.

Visual Anthropology.

Money.

School.

Work.

Home.

Snow.

Spring.

Tulip Trees.

Photographs.

Pink.

Coffee.

Love.

BSG.

Music.

Denver.

Warmth.

Hearts.

Poetry.

Light.

Glory.

I was born to tambourine.

I was born to tambourine.

I don’t have one, but there’s a joyful shaking in my heart,

And it wants ta come on out.

I was born for the Golden hour.

Wildflowers on a hill, sunlight gleaming through the grasses.

Honey warmth sticks to my soul.

I was born to love, love, love.

My friends, my dears, we’ll embrace and our hearts will snuggle up.

I can’t contain this delight.

At times it quakes,

The quivering joy.

At times it burns,

The glowing light.

At times it aches,

The pounding heart.

The soul, it yearns,

Love, beauty, truth.